martedì, ottobre 06, 2015

Not a people's person (or: how to live as an idiot)

Few days ago (actually, almost 2 weeks ago) I have had a nice confirmation of how less I understand people. Well, truth is that it wasn't really on that day that I had the confirmation, I already knew it. But it has been a nice follow up on the conclusion I had come to in past times (and actually the episode was not so important on the matter, it was really important on another level, but transeat...).

I really don't get people. I maybe am able to understand their reactions, facial expressions and words when I am actually detached from them, but the minute they matter to me... ooohh!!! That gets really interesting! I simply get lost, go blind and deaf. I know myself, so nothing that happens really takes me by surprise, but it still hurts sometimes finding out... that I was right... or wrong, depending on which side you look at the matter from.

I definitely don't get people. I am better of with animals. I can understand why an animal does something. I cannot understand why a person does something. I can't even understand why I do something, imagine the difficulty when it comes to understand other people's actions. And again, the closer I am to the person, or better, the stronger the feeling I've got towards her (yes... hehehe... it's always a she, sorry) the less I understand. And that's why I love play football and why I understand people there: I HATE EVERYBODY on the football pitch! I am obviously joking and taking everything to an extreme, but in the above three paragraphs something true can be found.

I don't understand people. Please, come clean with me. I will not understand you.

How do I live with that? Like an idiot (hence the title). I move around, doing dumb mistakes, hurting people's feelings, hurting my feelings. And there's not enough words sometimes to explain "I am sorry" other than... the actual words. And it gets annoying not understanding and not getting understood.

Anyway, it's dark outside and there's so many things I don't understand that it sound a bit ridiculous. You will see me laughing a lot... not laughing that much in the inside.

lunedì, settembre 14, 2015

Life's goals: THERMOS!

I am easily satisfied. Even if probably a lot of my friends will tell differently, I am.

And tonight, after the weekly football match (by the way, having taken 3 paracetamol in the last 24 hours it's a clear indication that you will struggle during a football match, mark my words!), I sad down, saw my new thermos, that I bought less than a week ago, sitting on the table. There's tea in it, I knew it, because I prepared it at 5 pm. And it's 9:30 now... so probably the tea will be already cold.


Ah, that's a reason to have a life, after all... right there!

(Still enjoying the second cup, by the way, just before heading to bed...)

venerdì, settembre 11, 2015

Quantum mechanics

When I was a kid, and also late in my teens, and even further in my twenties, I enjoyed reading fictions book... I am not sure if this is the correct word. Anyway, books about invented stories, not reality, not history books. I enjoyed even then the once in a while history book, or the physics manual (or ants... if that matters).

Past the thirties I started developing a taste for manuals, research papers and the such. And that's true that I can't even remember the last fiction book I have read (barring the eventual re-reading of some of my favourites like LOTR or Lem's Solaris and the Invinceble, or Garcia Marquez Cien años de soledad). I am really not sure why something like that happened. I believe it's related to my dislike of any story that ends badly: if I already know that it will end badly it's not an issue, but if I have to be passionate about the outcome and than everybody dies... no way I'd read it!

So lately I've read the history of the celts, some European early history and physics books. The latest of which happens to be an history/explanation of quantum physics that I am really enjoying.
You know, the famous Schrodinger's cat that's either dead or alive, but you will never know until you open the box... so don't open the box!
It happens that I should have studied such matter in my student life... at least at one point or the other. It happens also that... what a book! I understood things I didn't even bother to grasp in my youth! (The book is In search of Schrodinger's cat, by John Gribbin).

Other than the awe about those physics/mathematicians that developed the theory, there is the full understanding, finally, that actually we really know nothing. But mainly because we, the public, use concept of our everyday life to try to grasp something that's actually completely outside of it. There should be a physics course in everybody's life, just to have everybody understands how useless each and everybody of us is, and lower our pride to the level where... where everybody is equal and nobody deserves more than anybody else.

Fuck it... I am too deep in thoughts today... I should be drunk!

lunedì, settembre 07, 2015

12 days of Christmas

It is difficult to understand what's going on in my life. For me, I mean.

I am never too clear regarding what I really want, what it is important for me and what I would LOOOOOVE to do. Truth is that I really don't know what I like. I am a bit too apathetic in all the aspects of it (my life). I fear to commit to some specific hope, so that it cannot be crushed under the waves of life. Not that it has always happened something like that, I should say... but hey...sometimes it has happened so I am entitled in my fear!

So, there are so many things I like that I cannot pick a favourite one. I am positive that I definitely love to play football. That is for sure. I can actually say that there is no place on Earth in which I feel more at ease than any football pitch (7 a side up to 11 a side, maybe 5 a side is not really my place). And I am a bit scared about that.
But of all of the other things... did I love maths? Or I prefer physics? Or maybe natural biology? Or history? What about maps? I love maps! And sociology? Is it so interesting to check out people reactions... and music? Or movies? Or books, book I really love... but you got the picture. I can go on and on. That is one of the main reasons why I could really not end up being a good student. Nothing really interested me so much as to having myself dedicating all of my energy to it. Apart from sports in general and football in particular... but I never had the phyisique du role to really do something with that.

Anyway. Now I am buying an apartment in Amsterdam. And I love this city. But I'd love too to move back to Fuerteventura, or maybe go to Stockholm, and why not Vancouver? Canada is nice! And... and... Tahiti?

You got again the picture. I am doing this because it's the right time and probably the right place. But if you think I am completely positive about this... forget it. I am simply not interested in anything enough to have a satisfying life (whoa! WHOA!! Yes... I am pushing the limit here, a bit, just a bit). But I am doing my best and it's the best I can do, probably. Ah! If I could be able to jump off of that cliff... and really say: I LOVE THIS!

Not gonna happen any time soon, anyway. But it's good enough, no problem about that.

(Why 12 days of Christmas? Because while I was signing the contract to buy the apartment, the makelaar said that I'm gonna have it next to Christmas... by the way, the apartment will be mine on the 15th of October: IT'S NOT NEXT TO CHRISTMANS, COME ON!)

mercoledì, settembre 02, 2015

Anniversaries (or maybe it was the 4th!!)

Tomorrow it's September the 3rd, 2015.

It's an anniversary. A HUGE one. Two years ago, on that day, I was dying. And not slowly dying, that had been going on during the previous months. On the 3rd of September 2013 I stepped out of a door and my soul, my spirit simply crushed in pieces and disappeared. There's no easy way out of such situations and, anyway, I am the worst at going out of such situations. I died and walked the next year or so as a soulless spirit.

Still today I can feel the desperation of that day. Everybody feels and reacts differently, everybody is strong in some situations and weak in others. On that day I could not stand. My legs could not withstand my weight. Nothing in my life before and nothing after (up until now, of course) felt so hard to pass through. I felt so crushed that I could not breath and simply take the next step was something I still consider the biggest achievement of my life.

That happened exactly two years ago, minus one day.

Tomorrow, September the 3rd, 2015, I am going to sign the contract to buy an apartment in beautiful, cold, wet, amazing Amsterdam (thank you whores and drugs! Thanks Obama!. Tomorrow, without thinking about it, without working to make it happen, I will officially start a new life. That's a neat coincidence, a strange one.

Tomorrow, thanks to my parents, to friends near and far, to girls (yes, always girls!) met and lost, I can say that the next step is less of a burden, less of a painful stab, as it was before. Thanks to hands that patted me on the back, thanks to blue eyes that reminded me that love somewhere still existed (even if maybe is not corresponded, but who cares) the road ahead is still hard, and I know I still and forever fill the loss of that 3rd of September 2015, but...

Roads go ever ever on,
Over rock and under tree,
By caves where never sun has shone,
By streams that never find the sea;
Over snow by winter sown,
And through the merry flowers of June,
Over grass and over stone,
And under mountains in the moon.
Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar.
Eyes that fire and sword have seen
And horror in the halls of stone
Look at last on meadows green
And trees and hills they long have known.
[J.R.R. Tolkien]

domenica, agosto 30, 2015

The words I've never said (or... missing opportunities)

I am having that feeling that: "oh, shit. I've completely lost the time to say/do it". And that even worst feeling that I've lost you. Like this, without having said or done something that was there in the air to be caught, I've lost you.

It's a fine Sunday morning, weather was supposed to be shitty, but it's not. Probably where you are the weather is better, and warmer, and you are holding somebody else's hand. And it bothers me a bit.

I've always that feeling that something else could have been done, and I haven't done. That something else could have been said, and I haven't said it. And I hate that feeling, and I always fall back on these habits and I regret to have acted like I did.

Yes... I am a good guy, and a stupid moron at the same time.

Will get better...

venerdì, agosto 21, 2015

I still got it (partially... maybe... I am not sure)

As usual if I don't write it means that everything is fine, or everything is so bad that it's too difficult to write, or that I've got no time or will to write.

As usual, if I don't write, it's because I am an asshole.

Anyhow, tonight I've had a wonderful night with some friends, having dinner on a canal, laughing at ourselves and about ourselves... living a wonderful life.

And I am now home, early for a Friday night, but not feeling the need to being out hunting for life. Life is already here.

I've been thinking about my age, about finally abandoning this lifestyle of a young and strong young man and finally entering the mature age I am actually in. Since I moved to Amsterdam I started again to play a lot of football, mainly 5 and 7 a side. It took some toll to get used to it, I got injured, I got frustrated at not been able to run as I used to, be strong as I used to. Mainly I felt so many time that I have no more the same fitness that I really started thinking: "Time for switching to golf, my dear". Legs hurting, but mainly not been able to withstand a full 50 minutes match on the pitch without going out to take a breathing (50 minutes!?!? I used to play 90 minutes... I am really old). "Who am I?", I started wandering so many times. But then, springtime came, I started playing twice a week and maybe adding a weekend of tennis... and the legs started being their usual pair, lungs started responding and 2 weeks ago we had the finals of the 2 tournaments. And I was good... I really enjoyed playing, I felt being able to control the pitch, the tempo of the game. People around me were maybe (for sure) younger and fitter, but not smart enough, not good enough, not experienced enough... and I actually played well and had good impact on the games I played. We still eventually lost. But hey, I felt: I can still play.

And it's nice, being able to compete with 20somethings when you are 40. The last match I played was the deal-breaker. We were at the 4th match of the night, having won all the others, against a younger team, more rested (they were 11, we were... 7) and, as I discovered later, an actual 11 a side team. And there were a youngster that really was a pain in our defence. A real pain in the ass: quick, strong and technically skilled. The worst possible against me. But I kept his pace, I sent him on the outside and actually controlled him with not too much effort (apparent... I was actually dying every time he was attacking me...).

They finally won, 1 to null, when I finally gambled too much and was too up the field when he got the ball. Actually, they scored when I wasn't there to defend. But, hey, I did the job for so long.

Is this important? Maybe not, life now is other things, but it's still nice knowing that I can still be a force on the field, even now, even after all that has passed, and I don't mean only years.

Good for me. Golf can still wait some years.

mercoledì, giugno 17, 2015

Jurassic World: good entertainment, bad movie

I never watched the Jurassic movies. Maybe some scene here and there. But not one complete movie. Or at least I don't remember it.

But after the best pizza in Amsterdam (Fuoco Vivo) we decided that it a good idea as was the second part of the night: Jurassic World!!

First a minute to curse the 3D. Hate it. I watched the movie, didn't think it was so spectacular, watch the trailer the next day and discovered that on my laptop's screen I was seeing colors that I just imagined during the vision at the cinema! Bad, bad 3D!

Than the movie. SPOILERS START! ---------------------------------\

1. high heels in the jungle is not a good idea
2. a company with as chain of command 2 persons... maybe not a great company
3. road bike in the middle of the forest and you never slide or fall?
4. the most dangerous dinosaurs ever, you finally have got it in front of you and you don't shoot immediately?
5. when finally you shoot with whatever you have, including machine guns and a bazooka, you don't even hurt it at least a bit?
6. a park in a hilly island, covered in tropical forest, full of animals to control, and there is only one helicopter and one pilot?
7. at one point is full day, change of scene and it's night
8. what happened to all of the attacking and marauding flying dinosaurs? Did they decided that it was enough?

SPOILERS END! -----------------------------------------------------------------/
I could go on and on. Too many errors, plot holes, stupid things, to say that this is a good or a not bad movie. This is a bad movie.

But it's wonderful entertainment. I enjoyed the scenes, the sceneries, the dinosaurs, some of the combats. But, come on, it's a movie for 13 years old and not too clever. That's why it's earning so much: it's perfect in a world were we learned to be a-critical.

I am critical... a lot.

venerdì, maggio 22, 2015

Ireland: days 16 - 18

And by now... I started feeling the wear and tear of being on my own. Saturday I woke up, simply packed everything and left to get to Cork. The day was fine, sunny, and the morning got on quite quickly. I stopped to refuel, take a coffee. I arrived at the B&B in Cork at noon, perfectly on time: demonstration of my inner GPS. I left the luggage at the house, meeting my guest, and left for the airport were I returned the car. I then went to the city by bus, walked my usual 2/3 hours around, doing nothing particular, and headed home. I was feeling tired and worn, wishing only to got back home.

Sunday there were the idea to go and watch a hurling match, but there were none nearby. So I stayed in bed, watching Daredevil (nice series, by the way!), then went out, took a beer, ate something, took a coffee in a nice coffeeshop/library (not the Amsterdam/type coffeshop!) and went back home.

Monday it was time to go, but my flight was in the late afternoon/early evening so my guests (bless be you!) left me stay up until 3 pm in their home, so I went for a last walk in Cork, that is by the way a really nice city, I took another coffee (same place as the day before) and then packed, waited a bit and it was time to go home! Not much exciting the last three days... but I was done.

sabato, maggio 16, 2015

Ireland: days 13 - 15

And the day to leave Galway come, and it was a sad day! I spent the most of Tuesday thinking if it was worth leaving Galway... I would have loved to listen again to some more sessions! But the time came: Wednesday! The day was one of the finest, sunny and warm. And of course I have to drive! I decided to go swiftly to the south and then walk around somewhere. But go swiftly to the south means to use highways, which I despise. So I drove quickly as I could, but along the coastline. I encountered some nice town on the road, but the finest has been Milltown Malbay. Lovely, on a natural gulf, with surfers surfing the waves. I stopped for some photos in the sun, that promptly got covered. I head on. Arrived at Killmore, to take the ferry, and took it. Landed in Talbert, visited a nicely preserved five storey castle nearby, Carrigafoyle, in which it is still possible to understand the position of the rooms on every floor. Drove on, Tralee was on the way, I stopped looking for a map of the south, and found a burrito, and a nice smile. But we got no time for that, it was time to look for a spot in which pass the night, since it was camp night!
I visited some promising beaches, arrived in Dingle and went on. I was at the end of the west civilization, and coast and isles messed themselves with the seas. I found a cosy beach, looking west. That was the spot! But that was too the night for Real Madrid - Juventus, and Dingle had the perfect pub for that! FINALS!! I headed to the beach, it was still clear, but heavy clouds were on the east and the radio said: tonight heavy rains and storms in the west. Lucky me, I decided to sleep in the car and it was a clever idea.

Thursday come, after a windy night in which the car was rolled by the gusts of Eolo, but also a comfy one, in my sleeping bag. I woke up at eight, took a long look at the beach and a long pee session too. Headed back to Dingle, had breakfast and a compliment by a fine lady (around 65 springs fine...) and asked to the local information centre: what shall I do for 5 hours? You look fit, climb Mount Brandon, she said.
And I did! It was sunny, it was warm, it soon became foggy and chill. But I enjoyed the walk, as not the view. And found quartz crystals all around. When I came down the day was finally clouded. I headed east along the coast, looking for a nice spot on which sleep a bit. I fancied a nice sandy beach, and some sun. Found neither of them. I finally rested in some sandy dunes. Had my daily apple and then headed to Killarney. Visited the Torc Waterfalls and strolled along a circular walk of around 1 hour. Entered the outskirts of Killarney National Park: the County in real life! Then headed for the B&B, found it, took a shower and had dinner in Laurens Pub, one of the finest, tourist wise, of the city.

Friday, the end of the Ireland 2015 May Tour is getting nearer and nearer. I start to feel the limbs tired, and waking up is a bit more difficult every day. And, clearly, it's cloudy and rainy. I had no idea for the day, so I checked my newly bought map and looked for spots to... spot. And I saw a Stone Circle just south of Kenmare: I'll go there! I pass a nice and high pass, in rain and clouds, after driving through part of the beautiful landscapes of Killarney National Park, reached Kenmare and the Stone Circle of Bonane. Quick tour of the site and head back up to the north, in which I decided to pass the Moll Gap pass and head through a small route, in the midst of the Black Valley, to reach north of Killarney and get back to the city. Wise idea, I must admit, as I got through thunderous valleys, lakes, mountains and forests. Loved it! I stopped at a bar to eat a salmon sandwich and write a bit, than headed back to Killarney and the Torc Waterfall parking spot.
I left the car there and walk around the Muckross Lake, about 15 km in the woods, gardens and flowers of the park. I did it as it was a run, because it was already late, around 5 pm, when I started. Back at Killarney I headed for a different pub, in which a man was playing traditional songs, a bunch of men were playing darts and I met the USA girl again.